When You Read This Read online

  subject:

  Today’s Agenda

  * * *

  Good morning Boss!

  Today’s schedule:

  10—Leah Rollins-Loebel (Prospective Client), Nutritionist to the Stars (sorry—already passed)

  1—Call with Phil Gergel (aka Yo-Play)

  3:30—Proposed meeting with Carl, me, on the following action items:

  The possibility of assigning me more tasks that utilize my strengths rather than tasks that a chimp could do

  How one schedules a book tour when one doesn’t agree with the premise of the book

  Also, I took the liberty of cleaning out my desk a bit, as there were a few drawers on the bottom with contents, and I will be needing the storage space for my gym clothes, etc. I imagine these items belonged to your former employee who predated my tenure here at Simonyi Brand Management. Much of it appears to be trash (receipts, scraps, to-do lists), but I didn’t toss anything, as there were some other items as well—a straightening iron, lip gloss, a few self-help books, an article torn from a magazine titled “Becoming Your Best Self” (what a bleak testament to the pressures of womanhood, this assortment—I might have to use it in a short story).

  I have placed it all in crates I found in the lobby of the building, so if the super comes a-knocking, guilty as charged. They are stowed behind the conference table.

  Oh, and there was also what appears to be a printout of a blog. It is titled “My Life’s First Draft: A Blog Turned into a Book by Iris Massey.” She seems to want you to publish it. (Side note: Based on this Post-it, I have inferred that this woman who last sat at my desk died? How recently?? Because fyi that is something I’m going to need some time to process . . .)

  Off to lunch,

  Carl Van Snyder

  Associate

  Simonyi Brand Management

  * * *

  from:

  [email protected]

  to:

  [email protected]

  date:

  Fri, Aug 28 at 12:11 PM

  subject:

  re: Today’s Agenda

  * * *

  Carl,

  Thank you, but an agenda would be much more helpful if you would send it at the beginning, rather than the middle, of the workday.

  Also, you are not an associate so please remove that from your email signature.

  And what is this about Iris and a blog? I don’t see it on your desk . . .

  Thx,

  SS

  * * *

  from:

  [email protected]

  to:

  [email protected]

  date:

  Fri, Aug 28 at 12:58 PM

  subject:

  no subject

  * * *

  I wonder how many people continue to email other people after they die. That’d be an interesting radio story. Or just a depressing one.

  I have a new intern who started this week, Carl. He fell out of the sky in June, and Richie convinced me to hire him since it’s going on four months and I haven’t been able to bring myself to look for your replacement. He is twenty-one and full of pep. I figure it might be nice to have someone around.

  Meanwhile, a month after his spectacular “rap funeral,” Phil—the one client making me any money at this point—has decided to return to rap, having discovered that country requires more of a “singing voice” than he’s capable of. And of course the transition from “Yo-Play” to “Phil Gergel” did not go unnoticed by the tabloids. Now that he’s done with country, he’s pretending that he never left the hip-hop world, and we are continuing to pretend that he’s straight.

  His “funeral,” your cannabis-induced brainchild (I am tempted to make a joke about how your death spared you from having to endure the execution of it), rivaled your original vision in its spectacle. Webster Hall was packed. His coffin was ushered in by six bodybuilding pallbearers in white tuxes as a gospel choir sang a funeral march. Dwarves in party hats distributed folded paper unicorns that looked more like horses wearing KKK gear, since the paper didn’t take well to the horns. He retained your idea of being “reborn,” emerging from the coffin via suspension cords, just like the best part of a community theater production of Peter Pan, and the crowd was delighted. It was exhausting, and far less amusing than if you had been around.

  I am shocked by how much I miss you.

  Every day, I knew you’d be here when I walked in, and every day, we would make fun of this absurd field we are in.

  When I offered you the job, I was sure you’d leave it within six months, tops. I think we both did. This job was your bridge to your future.

  But then a year went by, then two . . . should I have pushed you to leave? I didn’t because I liked having you here. I was selfish.

  Iris, I have no clue why you stuck around this place so long. But dammit, the best part of every day was making you laugh. I wasn’t conscious of it as my goal, but it was.

  The last time you and I spoke, it was about Richie, how happy you were with him. You sounded downright giddy about it. Then, you said that the night before, your sister had taken you dancing. To me these seemed like good signs.

  I asked if you needed anything.

  “Tell me something funny,” you said, so I told you how Phil had adopted a guinea pig and named it Abraham Lincoln. Your laugh turned into coughing. And then we hung up, but first I made myself say that I missed you. You said it back. I think we both wondered if it was our good-bye, since you wouldn’t let me come see you, but I told myself that that didn’t make sense. You were dating my friend! And going dancing!

  I waited for you to come back. And you didn’t.

  I’m in deep, Iris. I got in deep.

  * * *

  from:

  [email protected]

  to:

  [email protected]

  date:

  Fri, Aug 28 at 1:12 PM

  subject:

  re: Today’s Agenda

  * * *

  Carl,

  Please be reminded that lunch is an hour. And what Post-it?

  Thx,

  SS

  * * *

  from:

  [email protected]

  to:

  [email protected]

  date:

  Fri, Aug 28 at 2:29 PM

  subject:

  re: Today’s Agenda

  * * *

  Carl,

  I have looked everywhere and do not see a printout of anything. I know we haven’t spoken explicitly about this, but it seems like a good opportunity to say that all files and other documents that are work-related should remain here at the office.

  Additionally, assuming you haven’t skipped town due to the monotonous tasks you feel you’ve been assigned, do let me know if you plan to be gone for more than three hours in the middle of a workday.

  Thank you for so neatly packing away her things, by the way.

  * * *

  from:

  [email protected]

  to:

  [email protected]

  date:

  Fri, Aug 28 at 2:51 PM

  subject:

  Checking in

  * * *

  Hiya Smith!

  Hope all is well in the big apple. You are missing the start of a beautiful fall out here! Took your mom on a walk yesterday to enjoy the sunshine. She’s not so much into leaving her room these days, so it was quite a feat to convince her to let me get her in the chair. I swear it feels like she stiffens up like a toddler resisting sleep when I try to move her (though I know that’s impossible). I’ve taken to letting her have her way more times than not, lest I get verbally accosted. Calls it her “jail cell.” You know how she can be. What a sense of humor she has!

  I was thinking if you came for a visit that might give her some reason to smile. But I know you’re busy.

  Jillian asked me to remind you that your August bill is outstanding. I told her I was sure you didn’t need reminding and it’ll com
e in with your September payment. Your mom says hi.

  Wally

  * * *

  from:

  [email protected]

  to:

  [email protected]

  date:

  Fri, Aug 28 at 3:08 PM

  subject:

  Loan

  * * *

  Hey Richie,

  Any chance I could borrow like two grand to help me make my mom’s rent this month? I hate to ask given what I already owe you, but I lost two clients to a bigger firm in July, one of those corporate giants, and I haven’t signed anyone in about six months. I’m working on it. Every time I sit down to write an email to a prospective client, it feels like I’m inhaling sand, but I’m working on it. If you are up for adding it to my tab, I’ll pay you back as soon as I can. Beer later?

  I was also wondering if you’d be down for putting me in touch with any of your smaller clients, like the guy downtown who got all of that attention for selling the quiche that induces labor? I forget the name of his café.

  You know I wouldn’t come to you unless I’d already tried everything I can think of.

  Beer later?

  Thanks man,

  Smith

  * * *

  from:

  Airbnb

  to:

  [email protected]

  date:

  Fri, Aug 28 at 3:12 PM

  subject:

  Your listing is UN-SNOOZED!

  * * *

  Hi Smith,

  Congratulations, you have successfully un-snoozed your listing Beautiful One Bedroom with Balcony on Upper West Side. It is set to go live again tomorrow, Sat, Aug 29. This means that your listing will show up in search results, and guests can reach out to you to book.

  Your date availability is listed as all dates, and your termination date is set to no termination date. To change the visibility of your listing, or to snooze again, go to Manage Listing.

  Thanks,

  The Airbnb Team

  * * *

  from:

  [email protected]

  to:

  [email protected]

  date:

  Fri, Aug 28 at 3:42 PM

  subject:

  Thanks

  * * *

  Just saw the bank transfer. Thanks for handling that so fast.

  Beer? When is good?

  * * *

  from:

  [email protected]

  to:

  [email protected]

  date:

  Fri, Aug 28 at 4:21 PM

  subject:

  re: Today’s Agenda

  * * *

  Dear Smith,

  Of course I understand that lunch is not three hours!

  And LOL re the skipping town. Don’t worry, I’m not that easy to get rid of. ;)

  Typing on my phone here—almost back to the office.

  The reason I was gone so long is that I intercepted the thieving of a lady’s cell phone and found myself dozens of blocks north in pursuit of the thief. Fortunately, one of us (him) hasn’t spent four years running Varsity track at the state level (gold medals in 2011, 2012, 2013). Still, he ran like a Kenyan. When I eventually managed to catch up, he had stopped to rest against the wall of a Spanish deli. I stealthily informed an unoccupied cop munching on a hoagie, who abandoned his sandwich to retrieve the phone with little fanfare. Of course I wasn’t going to leave a person of color alone with a cop, perp though he was. I remained to legally observe.

  I have some internal conflict over the experience, to be honest. The owner of the phone hardly even thanked me. She seemed to think the officer had more to do with the recovery of her phone, never mind that I was the one who hurdled from the West Village to Midtown. Maybe she wanted a new phone anyway.

  Gah. It’s almost 5. Rats. I have to run to make my 6p hot yoga class because the 8p is canceled. The train takes longer than I expected from our office to my sublet in Brooklyn, where I’m living with three NYU students (inventing their own majors—give me a break) who literally don’t believe in cleaning. I am not allowed to use Lysol lest they be poisoned from the noxious fumes. But, you know, dust mites and rat pellets I’m sure are fine.

  I’ll leave the book/blog/whatever on my desk for you because I just walked in, and you seem to be very focused working on something in there. I inadvertently took it with me to “lunch” (as if I had time to eat). In my altruistic lurching, I accidentally knocked over my Arnold Palmer, spilling it on the sticky note she put on top. It is . . . kind of legible still? Hmm. Maybe not. In case, here’s what it said:

  Smith,

  If you think this is any good, feel free to publish it. No pressure just because I’m dead.

  Iris

  I thought that was cute! No pressure just because I’m dead!

  I must go so not to get a shitty spot next to the smelly, hairy guy (good for him doing yoga, though), and/or miss Pranayama deep breathing.

  Namaste,

  Carl

  * * *

  from:

  UWinNao

  to:

  [email protected]

  date:

  Fri, Aug 28 at 5:11 PM

  subject:

  Hey, it’s okay!

  * * *

  We heard you had a rough go of it just now!

  We get it. It stinks to lose. On the other hand, as Thomas Edison wisely said, “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

  To get you back in the game, we’re rewarding you with 25,000 naoPoints. Remember, you can use naoPoints to unlock new games or uncover strategy tips!

  * * *

  from:

  gamblersanon.org

  to:

  [email protected]

  date:

  Fri, Aug 28 at 5:29 PM

  subject:

  We miss you at Gamblers Anonymous.

  * * *

  Psychiatrist Leonard Higgenbottom, MD, says that one reason we gamble is because we believe that we can, will, and probably should lose.

  Is this you?

  Come back to Gamblers Anonymous Online, where our fellowship of men and women faces our common problem, one day at a time. Together we can accomplish what we cannot alone.

  Before

  http://dyingtoblog.com/irismassey

  December 30 | 1:32 AM

  I used to think lungs look like this

  * * *

  but they’re flipped

  Mine look like

  * * *

  Actually

  (If you google pictures of your cancer, beware of the ads.)

  * * *

  Try Photos Warehouse!

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  Organic Whole Grain Oats

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  * * *

  * * *

  COMMENTS (10):

  BonnieD: :-O!

  ArduousArdvark: LOL that is fucking hilarious photos warehouse

  BonnieD: hey arduous there are kids on this site, plz keep it klean

  ArduousArdvark: like me u mean? i’m thirteen bitch

  BonnieD: so. i’m 16.

  ArduousArdvark: hot

  BonnieD: watch ur mouth plz, thank u

  ArduousArdvark: so I’m like dying too? so i think i won’t? but thank YOU.

  IrisMassey: Hey. Support each other, guys?

  ArduousArdvark: LOL right

  Friday, August 28: Jade

  * * *

  AMAZON Review (1 of 141) of iRelaxx 100% Authentic Satin Bathrobe in Frisky Lavender

  August 28, 4:40 a.m.

  Jade R Massey: 4 Stars

  * * *

  I am a bit thick through the hips and bought this in a M.

  Unlike other reviewers, I did not have a problem with the ripped seams or missing loops. It’s a fucking bathrobe for $17.99. The
re are going to be some problems. Also it has the inner tie to make sure it doesn’t come loose, so it’s not like the outside belt is doing that much work, anyway. The knot holds if I tie it in a bow. If I loop it once it comes loose. To me this is common sense, however, so I disagree with Sharon M. that this is a fault of the robe. I believe it to be physics.

  Finally, the material is indeed thinner than I expected, as most of the 140 people who have also reviewed this item note. Unlike many of you, however, I am not currently interested in seduction. Still, it’s good for lying around in and doesn’t feel too sticky on my skin.